DNA Test Kits Go Mobile

Chicago, IL – “Have you checked out the new vending machine in the break room?” your co-worker asks. “No,” you say and ask, “Why?” “It’s weird,” he replies. “How so?” you inquire. “I can’t even explain it, man,” he replies. “C’mon,” you say and it goes on like this for some time until you get off your lazy butt and walk yourself down to the break room and there it is: left of the soda, but right of the snack machine. No, not the sink. Your other right. Ah. What? D.N.A.? What does it cost? Ten dollars! That seems kinda steep.

DNA Vending Machines are now popping up all over workplaces across North America and Europe. These machines dispense easy-to-use DNA Test Kits that can be used by two people looking to find out if they are related and how closely. A kit costs $10 and is no larger than the box set of Season 1 of LOST. It contains two cotton swabs, four plastic pouches for hair follicles and a small, baseball sized device with a paper feeder that reads the DNA samples, lights up and prints out results.

MENO-DNA, the distributor of DNA Test Kit Vending Machines, has reported strong interest and sales since installing the machines in March. “The technology is very exciting to people and they are happy to finally have such unlimited access.” MENO-DNA seems to strongly believe that there is money to be made in vending-machine-style DNA Test Kits.

So who is buying and why? MENO-DNA’s monitoring results seem to say that everyone across the board is expressing interest, or at least everyone that happens to work in an establishment with a DNA Test Kit vending machine. And as to why, buyers cite sheer curiosity and novelty as their top two motivations. The ability to find out if you are related to your co-worker or boss for an affordable price is a hard temptation to ignore, and more often than not, people are finding they are related, albeit distantly. Mary Rose of San Jose, CA found out that she and Gerald Arson, affectionately deemed “the mail room guy,” are third cousins. And Steven Shlossing and his ex-fiancée Nancy Myers called off their engagement after discovering that they were brother and sister. When asked to comment Myers said, “We are both so extremely grateful to MENO-DNA for making this technology so affordable. We feel like we really dodged a bullet.”

But what happens when the novelty wears off? MENO-DNA does not seem worried. “We are working hard to keep these machines running at the top of the line and will be offering new add-ons and incentives soon. By Fall, you will be able to purchase a Premium Kit for $30. This version will look more like the Photo Booths you encounter at Beach Boulevards and sad malls. Instead of taking a picture, the curious customer will step inside and have their blood drawn by a small robotic arm. A computer screen will document your results and a print-out can be purchased for an additional $5. These DNA booths will tell you what nationality you are and the names of your true biological parents.”  MENO-DNA did not report their plans beyond the Premium Kit.