Magnetic Mattress Pad Only Removes Money

Cleveland, OH – The very best scientists that science has to offer, or at least the ones with the cleanest lab coats, have been hard at work lately digging up the answers to a Nonsense News reader’s question. Adam McCharles, of Montpelier, wrote to us on September 13, 2008 from his cell at Joliet State Penetentiary. His brusque letter implored us to test the MENOCU brand magnetic mattress pad. Apparently the boys over at Joliet watch quite a bit of QBC and McCharles had been considering purchasing a mattress pad for his government-issued sleeping cot.

For those of you that have been living under rocks, or “working eight hour days at real jobs” instead of watching long stretches of basic cable, the MENOCU Magnetic Sleeper is rival product of the famous Kinoke Food Pads – a cloth pad, infused with ancient oils, sold in a box of twenty, for $29.99. These pads are strapped to the bottom of your feet before sleep and reputed to remove toxins from the blood stream while you sleep at night. The evidence of its healing properties is the way the pad has turned black while you sleep! White when it goes on at night, black in the morning. The longer you wear the pads, the less toxins you will have in your body and the less hard the pads will have to work. Each night, a new white pad will go on, and each morning, it should be less and less black. When the pads are pale grey or white, you can sleep soundly knowing the demons have been successfully sucked out the soles of your feet.

The MENOCU Magentic Sleeper functions under the exact same principle, but it’s fanatic following will be the first to frantically point out the ways in which it differs from Kinoke foot pads. Mainly, these differences are made of one difference: its size. As its ad states, “Ladies the world over have known it for years: bigger is always better.” And the MENOCU de-toxification product is indeed bigger. While Kinoke footpads measure a measley four by six inches, the smallest MENOCU Magnetic Sleeper is large enough to generously cover a twin size bed. (The largest drapes a California King).

This size also makes the MENOCU product work more quickly than its counterpart. While the foot pads detoxify through the feet, taking two to three weeks to fully remove toxins, the MENOCU magnetic mattress pad has access to a much larger surface area and therefore, takes only three nights to fully remove all harmful toxins.

Doctors warn that this rapid removal causes nervous system damage and hair loss, but the balding testimonials of the MENOCU Experience Show seem refreshed and rejuvenated. They cannot stop singing praises for MENOCU, nor can they stop blinking their left eyes.

Determined to get to the truth of the matter, Nonsense Newsperts and our advanced team of uncredentialed scientists tested the mattress pad to see if and how well it worked. They found that, it did not. The MENOCU Magnetic Sleeper claims to remove, among various other toxins, Diglyceral, a substance found in aerosol spray paint. Our scientists huffed paint for weeks before trying out the pads and later found no traces of Diglyceral in any of the thick, foul-smelling, layer of sticky blackness that coated the pads. As one lab operator put it, “at $59.99 a pop, the only thing this pad removes is money.” Pretty clever, Jake. Don’t get any ideas about being a writer now. You just keep feeding the lab rats.